Totes Redique

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Warning! This post is filled with curse words and otherwise offensive content.

So my landlord decided to not let us renew our lease, because apparently we were supposed to read her mind and just know the exact level of anal retentiveness she expected with regards to the yards, because tenants are defactor landscapers or something, and even though the only thing she expressed was to water and mow the lawns, which we’ve done, and apparently that wasn’t good enough, not that we had any warning regarding this complete and total lack of proper communication on her part. We’re broke as shit and have 2 months to find a new place, and since my diagnosis we’ve been evicted and filed bankruptcy, which means that if we’re going to find a landlord willing to take us (and almost undoubtedly said landlord will have to be the caliber of crazy as the current one, because that’s just my luck), and the only place to find such rentals is Craigslist. So, apparently in Denver and LA I now know for certain, at least 90% of the ads on craigslist for rentals are actually scams. In Phoenix, almost zero housing scams, and you’d think it’s because Phoenix is so shitty that no one would possibly want to live there, but eerily it’s the opposite. Phoenix was growing so quickly that the housing market decided to try to get ahead of the population boom so they built houses like gangbusters, and since everyone and they’s mama’s dog could get housing loans back then, they were snatching them up quicker than they could build them for a while, (some of them even smart enough to sell their crappy old house in the ghetto for 2 or 3 times its value to buy a nice new one not in the ghetto…but not many people were that smart), which brought even MORE developers and more new houses being built, but they literally couldn’t build them fast enough so then like a totes redique number of apartment complexes, no matter how shitty or how ghetto the neighborhood decided screw this rent noise, let’s just turn them into condos and sell them! Unfortunately for them, not a lot of people were willing to buy a shitass 1 bdrm apartment for $150,000, so they were just having to keep a bunch of them vacant because they had them slated to sell, some kind of bullshit city tax business. So anyway, it was pretty hard finding an apartment there for a while but fortunately I lived in LA where finding an apartment is fairly easy if you’ve got about $2k/mo to devote to rent and don’t mind a 2hr commute one way (and if you think you’re getting bent over a barrel by the rent, wait til they tell you that you have to buy your own fridge). 

Anyway, housing bubble burst, tons of people in Phoenix lost their brand new houses and anyone with a house lost a whooole lot of equity overnight so they weren’t about to leave. With all the empty houses people just started renting them out and all the sad families who lost their houses happily moved into a brand new rental house that their kids could destroy to their little hearts’ content and the parents would only be out a stupid deposit, so big win win there. Meanwhile…still no one bought any condos, and by the time they converted them back from condos to regular rentals, they pretty much had to lower their standards because everyone was in foreclosure and bankruptcy. Unfortunately this meant they still could jack up their prices, because people gotta live somewhere. Fortunately though, Phoenix rent was never too high to begin with. And, still and yet, it’s damn easy to find a place to live there, even with bad credit.

In LA, there are scams because of the aforementioned totes redique rental prices, so they post something in a so so neighborhood with plausibly lowish rent and scam away. I’m sure they have many many marks, because LA people think they’re savvy, but most of them have their heads so far up their asses it’s a bit difficult to be anything but a goddamn, shit eating moron.

Turns out in Denver, the population is also exploding, lucky me, only Denver’s all like “if we build too many houses and apartments it’ll like, ruin the natural splendor, man. *puff puff*”, and nearby Boulder is all like, “If we build too many houses and apartments it’ll like, feed all them corporate interests, man. *puff puff* Worker’s of the World, unite!” Or is it Dyslexics of the World, Untie!… Anyway, additionally, the population of both cities is exploding with: college students, young professionals, young professionals by day and stupid hipsters by night, and at least 2/3 of those groups have money, little to no debt, and I’d be willing to bet actual money that nearly 100% of them got no kids. So they can afford whatever dumb hipster apartment or house they’d likely tell their friends is “clutch” or “dope”, both words that in no way describe a domicile, but sadly I’ve heard them both used in such a context and can only assume it means…Good?
Anyway so, not enough places, too many people, and I think we may literally be moving into a basement next month, and we’ll be damn lucky to get that much.

But wait! Despite all of this, something made apartment/house hunting totally worthwhile today. One of the scams claimed that the house had a fantastic ocean view. And as if that’s not hilarious enough, after laughing so hard I nearly threw up, I managed to say (between giggles and chuckles), “A view so fantastic it can only be found in…The Twilight Zone.” At that point I was feeling about ready to stop trying to kill myself slowly with cigarettes, and instead much more quickly (albeit painfully) by setting myself on fire. So, scammers helped me avoid a wickedly painful demise today.

And if you’re wondering why I keep saying “totes redique”, I saw that on FB today and thought it was…totally rediculous. I unfriended that person. Not so much about the ” totes redique”, more because I never talk to that person and figured now is as good a time as any.

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