Dream a little dream…

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The music moves all around me and I with it, my body in perfect harmony with sound, no thought in my head but the sheer joy of it. The feel of my muscles as they move and flex, my arms long and graceful extending out to beautiful floreos, I glide across the floor, spinning, colorful silk veils enveloping my body then flowing outward as they’re deftly manipulated, as much an extension of my body as a limb. I feel the connectedness of all things, the many instruments becoming one sound, one sound becoming a song, my movements melding with sound to create nothing short of a work of art that shouts out to the world “I’m alive! I’m free!”, and I can’t help but smile for the simple pleasure of dancing. Oh it’s been so long since I’ve danced! Then I wonder, why is that? My movements falter. Why haven’t I done the thing I love to do most in life for so very long? I stop, puzzled. Where am I, and why do I hurt so badly?
That’s when I woke up this morning, and cried. The reality is, I hurt all over my body every day. I have no balance anymore. My muscles are weak and spastic. Once graceful and strong, I now have difficulty doing simple physical tasks, or walking across an open room without fear of falling down. I’ll likely never dance again. At least, not like I used to. I’m tired of people telling me I can dance “in spirit” or “in my head”. I’ve lost a major part of my life, myself, my identify, my greatest joy in life, and memories of that thing will not replace it. I could also sit around all day fantasizing about the masters I’ll never earn, the career I’ve lost, the independence I no longer have, the days when I didn’t wake throughout the night in excruciating pain, but none of those fantasies will change the fact that this is my new normal. This is the hand nature has dealt me and I have to make the best of it.

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4 thoughts on “Dream a little dream…

  1. Beautiful words describing the dance in your dream. I’m so sorry for your situation, I do however believe that you can escape briefly with your words…. Because I just did. 🙂

    • Thanks. It was a nice dream. At least a can remember what it was like to be graceful, to feel like I could just flow like water. Now I’m constantly joking about The Adventures of Ataxic Typhany. Heh Just a fumbling, clumsy mess. C’est la vie. I honestly don’t like to remember that vividly though, all it does is make me sad. It’s like dreaming of someone you once loved who’s no longer a part of your life. Definitely bittersweet.

    • Thank you for believing in me, but I don’t feel brave, I just do what I have to do to get by. I used to help people for a living, I’d like to continue to do so in some form or another, and if all I can do is share my story and provide information, so be it. It’s certainly not the same, but I always said to myself, if I could positively impact just one single person I’ll have done my job well. I can’t work anymore, but I can still try to help people.

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